Christmas so it is, and I guess it shall remain so, for at least as long as I slur my words so. I must admit, my earlier hopes have been dashed, and while I have of course tried to hold the divinity of circular science up to the where-with-all of brutal reality, I am happy to concede the certain redundity of my efforts. In consideration, I happily concede that the barble of previousity only betrays my drunken actuality.
My presents were sparsely received. A new shirt, from Doris, which I had previously noted on an earlier window-spree as one I liked. Well, it's nice to know you are listened to. My other was the God Del-ish-thingy-whatever by whatsit-dworkins or-whatever was the other stocking-filler. [ But that's unimportant. Mainly, ouch. I can re-read and re-read, but at this point, on this day (Christmas day!), I just don't have the scientific fervour to correct my medley of in-astute reakly syntax.] I meekly grinned at her and withdrew, hoping to dearly god that the cheque for eighty-one pounds (as calculated by my previous debts combined etc.) would suffer as a well thought present. Albert, Donald and his wife Marticia had to do with un-enveloped cards...
In all honesty, I struggle to think of any relevant science committed today, and, if completely honest, I admit I am currently typing with one eye open only, so I feel it is only fair for I, you, and circles in general, that I re-continue tomorrow.
Too much merlot, I fear...
EDIT: I wish to clarify my comments. I recieved two presents; 1. A shirt (from Doris), and 2. "The God Delusion" by Dawkins. I gave Doris a cheque for eighty-one pounds as a (I thought at least) thoughtful gift. For my other friends, I wrote cards (message: Happy Xmas, Doltsby) and I would have provided envelopes, but I was one short, and hence, I think at least, democratically, decided, that no one should receive an envelope.
Science, for one day, was betrayed by drunkenness and festive fervour. Luckily Doris dragged me out of the bath and good-coffee'd me up about ten minutes ago. Still no news from the Department of Science and Pensions. After cheque bounces, one-hundred-and-one pounds in debt. Boxing day is another day-ish.
Wednesday
Monday
Day Two
Today I awoke with my brain ablaze with scientific fervour, and headed straight for the coffee machine. Unfortunately, it transpired that I was all out of the good-coffee. Dispirited, I used the last of the foosty old bad-coffee, before retiring to the bathroom for my bi-daily routine of functions, shower, shave, moisturise, dental (brush-plus-floss), nostril hair, armpits (shave-plus-deodorise) and of course, my foot bath-and-creme.
Slightly buzzed by my fresh minty-odour (a breath of fresh air after the foosty bad-coffee, indeed) I decided to sit in the garden and think about circles. Alas the cold Christmas weather thwarted my plan, so instead I put on two pairs of trousers, three tee-shirts, usual pants but thermal-socks, a woolly jumper (diagonals pattern) and my pink-dotted lab-coat, and crouched myself next to the three-bar-fire next to the mirror. Unfortunately, the excess heat made me feel rather drowsy and unable to think clearly about scientific matters, so instead I took advantage of my position next to the mirror, coupled with my closely grasped pencil and paper, to draw a few rudimentary sketches of myself receiving the Nobel Prize for science, from numerous angles. In the first I drew focus to the award and handshake, in the second the cheque, and for the final five or six I concentrated on which facial expression I should pull upon accepting the award.
Unable to choose which expression made me look most handsome, I decided to phone Doris, who is my friend Albert's wife, and get her round to help me choose. After much oohing and ahhing, she settled on option three; though only after several hours of my posing for her. Remembering my cash-flow problems, I asked her if I could borrow twenty pounds, to which she happily agreed, before driving me round to the shops. "It's okay Doris" I told her, "You can leave me here and I'll just walk home." She must have been in somewhat of a hurry judging by the speed she drove away, which made me all the more appreciative of the time she had already devoted to me today.
Margaret, the shop lady, was very helpful in finding me a suitable calculator, compass and measuring tape for only nine-teen pounds. However, this did not leave enough for me to purchase some good-coffee, so I decided to instead buy some cheaper alternatives on the internet. Luckily Margaret had an internet at her shop that she let me use, and I was able to find similar items for just ten pounds. I spent the remaining ten on some non fair-trade pasta-salad, and good-coffee. Of course, I shall be more moral when my grant comes through!
On my walk home I had some time to reflect upon circles and my progress in the field, and realised the errant and obvious stupidity of my yesterday's work. Three and one tenth is simply to inglorious a sounding number to be pi! I immediately resolved to redefine it as three and three twentieths.
On returning home I had a whole decanter full of good-coffee, and set about some serious research. Although I was still not in possession of a compass, I felt that I simply needed to get properly started, so I drew about ten circles free hand and looked at them. I was struck by their similarity to ovals. "Ovals," I thought, "How noble..." The relationship, it seems to me, between the oval and circle, is one which deserves serious investigation. Which one came first? Is one the cause of the other? Which is bigger? Exhausted by speculation, and without but a single answer to mind, I collapsed in mental agony beside the dvd player.
I woke just now with a splitting headache, and changed for bed. So far it seems my research has only served to create more questions, each one more philosophical and profound than the last. Financially, things have moved from bad to worse. Now eighty-one pounds in debt, I fear it may not be long before I am forced to discontinue writing numbers with letters, lest my account books become unmanageable. I resolve to phone the Department for Science and Pensions tomorrow to enquire of my applications progress.
Slightly buzzed by my fresh minty-odour (a breath of fresh air after the foosty bad-coffee, indeed) I decided to sit in the garden and think about circles. Alas the cold Christmas weather thwarted my plan, so instead I put on two pairs of trousers, three tee-shirts, usual pants but thermal-socks, a woolly jumper (diagonals pattern) and my pink-dotted lab-coat, and crouched myself next to the three-bar-fire next to the mirror. Unfortunately, the excess heat made me feel rather drowsy and unable to think clearly about scientific matters, so instead I took advantage of my position next to the mirror, coupled with my closely grasped pencil and paper, to draw a few rudimentary sketches of myself receiving the Nobel Prize for science, from numerous angles. In the first I drew focus to the award and handshake, in the second the cheque, and for the final five or six I concentrated on which facial expression I should pull upon accepting the award.
Unable to choose which expression made me look most handsome, I decided to phone Doris, who is my friend Albert's wife, and get her round to help me choose. After much oohing and ahhing, she settled on option three; though only after several hours of my posing for her. Remembering my cash-flow problems, I asked her if I could borrow twenty pounds, to which she happily agreed, before driving me round to the shops. "It's okay Doris" I told her, "You can leave me here and I'll just walk home." She must have been in somewhat of a hurry judging by the speed she drove away, which made me all the more appreciative of the time she had already devoted to me today.
Margaret, the shop lady, was very helpful in finding me a suitable calculator, compass and measuring tape for only nine-teen pounds. However, this did not leave enough for me to purchase some good-coffee, so I decided to instead buy some cheaper alternatives on the internet. Luckily Margaret had an internet at her shop that she let me use, and I was able to find similar items for just ten pounds. I spent the remaining ten on some non fair-trade pasta-salad, and good-coffee. Of course, I shall be more moral when my grant comes through!
On my walk home I had some time to reflect upon circles and my progress in the field, and realised the errant and obvious stupidity of my yesterday's work. Three and one tenth is simply to inglorious a sounding number to be pi! I immediately resolved to redefine it as three and three twentieths.
On returning home I had a whole decanter full of good-coffee, and set about some serious research. Although I was still not in possession of a compass, I felt that I simply needed to get properly started, so I drew about ten circles free hand and looked at them. I was struck by their similarity to ovals. "Ovals," I thought, "How noble..." The relationship, it seems to me, between the oval and circle, is one which deserves serious investigation. Which one came first? Is one the cause of the other? Which is bigger? Exhausted by speculation, and without but a single answer to mind, I collapsed in mental agony beside the dvd player.
I woke just now with a splitting headache, and changed for bed. So far it seems my research has only served to create more questions, each one more philosophical and profound than the last. Financially, things have moved from bad to worse. Now eighty-one pounds in debt, I fear it may not be long before I am forced to discontinue writing numbers with letters, lest my account books become unmanageable. I resolve to phone the Department for Science and Pensions tomorrow to enquire of my applications progress.
Sunday
Day One
Today will be forever remembered as a momentous day in the field of science, as it was the first day of my research into the phenomenon of circles. A more detailed description of circles will follow, but at this stage I do not wish to overwhelm you with complex information. You see, I would like this journal to remain accessible to even the most non-science-literate amongst us. To put it briefly, a circle is a round thing, in two dimensions. However, this description only opens up further avenues of discussion, which it would be dangerous to look at in any greater depth for now.
The day started with me putting on my white with pink-polka-dot lab-coat. I know that white is traditional, but this is cutting-edge research, and so requires avant-garde clobber. But clobber that retains a foot-hold in tradition non the less. For this reason, I abandoned my earlier plan to dress in baggy trousers, basketball shirt and "colors", feeling that is was avante-garde to a degree that demeaned both science and hip-hop. After pouting in the mirror for several hours, I couldn't help but be taken by the notion that my face was particularly attractive. I struggled with this immensely, and eventually decided to don a rather unattractive pair of dame-edna-style glasses to detract from my unusual qualities of beauty.
Unfortunately my research is quite intensive on looking at pieces of paper with words and diagrams on them, and this activity was made difficult by the second-hand glasses which contorted the words on the page into a form I could no longer visually recognise. They also fell off regularly, but this was not a significant detractor due to the handy chain attached to either leg which insured they did not strike the ground, although they did once bump off the table. All things equal, I decided to ditch the glasses. This debacle has cost me eight-teen pounds, which means I am now running at a defecit until my grant comes through.
The day was still young however, so I opted to take a break from research to clear my mind and prepare it for some intense science. I phoned Doris, who is my good friend Albert's wife, and we arranged to meet to go on some messages then have some lunch. We popped round to the local co-op, where I purchased the Telegraph, and some free-range cous-cous. Then it was round to The Stupid Duck, our local gastro-pub, where we shared a bottle of Merlot and some sandwiches. After a glass and a half of Merlot, I realised that I was surrounded by circles. "Doris" I said, "They're everywhere, we really must get out of here!" She laughed that infectious snorting laugh of hers, and I couldn't help but notice a yawn in my libido - I'm not sure yawn is the right word here, but I am at a loss for another that describes the feeling so perfectly. I had to ask her there and then. "Doris" I said. "Yes darling?" she asked. "Will you get out of here with me?"
After getting out of there with her, I finally returned home at around 10pm having spent a further forty-three pounds, and, feeling sprightly, I got on with some research. At around 11pm I made an important decision - I decided that I will wherever possible in my research spell out numbers with letters. As a result of this, I will be using fractions rather than decimal points, as decimal points are generally cumbersome. For this reason, I will be taking pi in my reasearch as "three and a tenth". While this is not entirely accurate, I feel it is close enough, and more importantly, looks elegant on page, and even more importantly, is quite easy to multiply by, as I can not at this stage afford a calculator, being already sixty-one pounds in debt.
I have just now sent off my application for research funding to the Ministry of Science and Pensions, and await news of its acceptance, which I imagine will come swiftly, this being the festive holiday period after all. In the mean time, I am considering asking Doris to lend me twenty pounds to buy cous-cous (I have just now realised I left my earlier purchase in the pub, and fear dying of hunger before my research comes to fruition), a caculator, and, if it will stretch so far, hopefully a compass as well.
The day started with me putting on my white with pink-polka-dot lab-coat. I know that white is traditional, but this is cutting-edge research, and so requires avant-garde clobber. But clobber that retains a foot-hold in tradition non the less. For this reason, I abandoned my earlier plan to dress in baggy trousers, basketball shirt and "colors", feeling that is was avante-garde to a degree that demeaned both science and hip-hop. After pouting in the mirror for several hours, I couldn't help but be taken by the notion that my face was particularly attractive. I struggled with this immensely, and eventually decided to don a rather unattractive pair of dame-edna-style glasses to detract from my unusual qualities of beauty.
Unfortunately my research is quite intensive on looking at pieces of paper with words and diagrams on them, and this activity was made difficult by the second-hand glasses which contorted the words on the page into a form I could no longer visually recognise. They also fell off regularly, but this was not a significant detractor due to the handy chain attached to either leg which insured they did not strike the ground, although they did once bump off the table. All things equal, I decided to ditch the glasses. This debacle has cost me eight-teen pounds, which means I am now running at a defecit until my grant comes through.
The day was still young however, so I opted to take a break from research to clear my mind and prepare it for some intense science. I phoned Doris, who is my good friend Albert's wife, and we arranged to meet to go on some messages then have some lunch. We popped round to the local co-op, where I purchased the Telegraph, and some free-range cous-cous. Then it was round to The Stupid Duck, our local gastro-pub, where we shared a bottle of Merlot and some sandwiches. After a glass and a half of Merlot, I realised that I was surrounded by circles. "Doris" I said, "They're everywhere, we really must get out of here!" She laughed that infectious snorting laugh of hers, and I couldn't help but notice a yawn in my libido - I'm not sure yawn is the right word here, but I am at a loss for another that describes the feeling so perfectly. I had to ask her there and then. "Doris" I said. "Yes darling?" she asked. "Will you get out of here with me?"
After getting out of there with her, I finally returned home at around 10pm having spent a further forty-three pounds, and, feeling sprightly, I got on with some research. At around 11pm I made an important decision - I decided that I will wherever possible in my research spell out numbers with letters. As a result of this, I will be using fractions rather than decimal points, as decimal points are generally cumbersome. For this reason, I will be taking pi in my reasearch as "three and a tenth". While this is not entirely accurate, I feel it is close enough, and more importantly, looks elegant on page, and even more importantly, is quite easy to multiply by, as I can not at this stage afford a calculator, being already sixty-one pounds in debt.
I have just now sent off my application for research funding to the Ministry of Science and Pensions, and await news of its acceptance, which I imagine will come swiftly, this being the festive holiday period after all. In the mean time, I am considering asking Doris to lend me twenty pounds to buy cous-cous (I have just now realised I left my earlier purchase in the pub, and fear dying of hunger before my research comes to fruition), a caculator, and, if it will stretch so far, hopefully a compass as well.
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