Day Five

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Oh dear. On re-reading my pointless drink-prattle from two-days back, I must admit my instant reaction was to reach to tear the page from the record. But I cannot, for dishonesty in one's life is the first mincing step towards dishonesty in science. I can only hope that my indiscretion here will stand me firm in the annals of science as the epitome of honest-man and honest-scientist.

Incidentally, I have been I feel wholly re-affirmed in my decision to take pi as "three and three-twentieths" after a chance discovery that I made watching QI with Doris on christmas day. It transpires that if you take the first one-hundred and forty-four digits of pi in its traditional form, and add them all together, they equal six-hundred and sixty-six : the number of the beast! While I am not a religious man, I feel this deviance is certainly to be avoided, even in the face of evidence I learned from the exact same program which informed me that the biblical number of the beast is actually six-hundred and six-teen.

But this one iota of pleasant news can not account for the distinctive lack of science this last two days. Since my last update, I admit shamefully, all I have done is lay in bed hungover, alternating between states of sleepful serenity and wakeful despair. Luckily Doris has been on hand to replenish my bed-side glass of water at regular intervals, for if she was not I fear I may have died of dehydration for all the salt I have lost in crying. Doris remarked to me that the bosom of her upper-garment has become almost starched solid through my salty excretions these last thirty-six hours.

As an upside to this malady, I have at least managed not to creep any further into debt since christmas. However, I fear tomorrow will be a different story as I will be required quite certainly to telephone the Department for Science and Pensions to inquire of the progress of my grant-claim. With the advent of "0844"* numbers, I can only dread the damage this will do to my spending powers. I apologise only to myself, and also to the scientific community, for my failure to provide any serious scientific insights these last days, and can only console myself and the scientific community by assuring myself and them that I have set my alarm clock for eleven a.m. tomorrow, and intend upon performing some intensive science-researching.

One can only hope that the calculator, compass and measuring-tape that I have ordered will arrive now that the festive holidays are ended.



* I have allowed myself to use the numbers "0844" in digit form rather than in written form as I am merely quoting a telephone number. The alternative, which I can't help but see as "eight-hundred and forty-four" would fail to suitably inform the reader of what it was that I might have meant, I feel.