Day One

Today will be forever remembered as a momentous day in the field of science, as it was the first day of my research into the phenomenon of circles. A more detailed description of circles will follow, but at this stage I do not wish to overwhelm you with complex information. You see, I would like this journal to remain accessible to even the most non-science-literate amongst us. To put it briefly, a circle is a round thing, in two dimensions. However, this description only opens up further avenues of discussion, which it would be dangerous to look at in any greater depth for now.

The day started with me putting on my white with pink-polka-dot lab-coat. I know that white is traditional, but this is cutting-edge research, and so requires avant-garde clobber. But clobber that retains a foot-hold in tradition non the less. For this reason, I abandoned my earlier plan to dress in baggy trousers, basketball shirt and "colors", feeling that is was avante-garde to a degree that demeaned both science and hip-hop. After pouting in the mirror for several hours, I couldn't help but be taken by the notion that my face was particularly attractive. I struggled with this immensely, and eventually decided to don a rather unattractive pair of dame-edna-style glasses to detract from my unusual qualities of beauty.

Unfortunately my research is quite intensive on looking at pieces of paper with words and diagrams on them, and this activity was made difficult by the second-hand glasses which contorted the words on the page into a form I could no longer visually recognise. They also fell off regularly, but this was not a significant detractor due to the handy chain attached to either leg which insured they did not strike the ground, although they did once bump off the table. All things equal, I decided to ditch the glasses. This debacle has cost me eight-teen pounds, which means I am now running at a defecit until my grant comes through.

The day was still young however, so I opted to take a break from research to clear my mind and prepare it for some intense science. I phoned Doris, who is my good friend Albert's wife, and we arranged to meet to go on some messages then have some lunch. We popped round to the local co-op, where I purchased the Telegraph, and some free-range cous-cous. Then it was round to The Stupid Duck, our local gastro-pub, where we shared a bottle of Merlot and some sandwiches. After a glass and a half of Merlot, I realised that I was surrounded by circles. "Doris" I said, "They're everywhere, we really must get out of here!" She laughed that infectious snorting laugh of hers, and I couldn't help but notice a yawn in my libido - I'm not sure yawn is the right word here, but I am at a loss for another that describes the feeling so perfectly. I had to ask her there and then. "Doris" I said. "Yes darling?" she asked. "Will you get out of here with me?"

After getting out of there with her, I finally returned home at around 10pm having spent a further forty-three pounds, and, feeling sprightly, I got on with some research. At around 11pm I made an important decision - I decided that I will wherever possible in my research spell out numbers with letters. As a result of this, I will be using fractions rather than decimal points, as decimal points are generally cumbersome. For this reason, I will be taking pi in my reasearch as "three and a tenth". While this is not entirely accurate, I feel it is close enough, and more importantly, looks elegant on page, and even more importantly, is quite easy to multiply by, as I can not at this stage afford a calculator, being already sixty-one pounds in debt.

I have just now sent off my application for research funding to the Ministry of Science and Pensions, and await news of its acceptance, which I imagine will come swiftly, this being the festive holiday period after all. In the mean time, I am considering asking Doris to lend me twenty pounds to buy cous-cous (I have just now realised I left my earlier purchase in the pub, and fear dying of hunger before my research comes to fruition), a caculator, and, if it will stretch so far, hopefully a compass as well.