Day Two

Today I awoke with my brain ablaze with scientific fervour, and headed straight for the coffee machine. Unfortunately, it transpired that I was all out of the good-coffee. Dispirited, I used the last of the foosty old bad-coffee, before retiring to the bathroom for my bi-daily routine of functions, shower, shave, moisturise, dental (brush-plus-floss), nostril hair, armpits (shave-plus-deodorise) and of course, my foot bath-and-creme.

Slightly buzzed by my fresh minty-odour (a breath of fresh air after the foosty bad-coffee, indeed) I decided to sit in the garden and think about circles. Alas the cold Christmas weather thwarted my plan, so instead I put on two pairs of trousers, three tee-shirts, usual pants but thermal-socks, a woolly jumper (diagonals pattern) and my pink-dotted lab-coat, and crouched myself next to the three-bar-fire next to the mirror. Unfortunately, the excess heat made me feel rather drowsy and unable to think clearly about scientific matters, so instead I took advantage of my position next to the mirror, coupled with my closely grasped pencil and paper, to draw a few rudimentary sketches of myself receiving the Nobel Prize for science, from numerous angles. In the first I drew focus to the award and handshake, in the second the cheque, and for the final five or six I concentrated on which facial expression I should pull upon accepting the award.

Unable to choose which expression made me look most handsome, I decided to phone Doris, who is my friend Albert's wife, and get her round to help me choose. After much oohing and ahhing, she settled on option three; though only after several hours of my posing for her. Remembering my cash-flow problems, I asked her if I could borrow twenty pounds, to which she happily agreed, before driving me round to the shops. "It's okay Doris" I told her, "You can leave me here and I'll just walk home." She must have been in somewhat of a hurry judging by the speed she drove away, which made me all the more appreciative of the time she had already devoted to me today.

Margaret, the shop lady, was very helpful in finding me a suitable calculator, compass and measuring tape for only nine-teen pounds. However, this did not leave enough for me to purchase some good-coffee, so I decided to instead buy some cheaper alternatives on the internet. Luckily Margaret had an internet at her shop that she let me use, and I was able to find similar items for just ten pounds. I spent the remaining ten on some non fair-trade pasta-salad, and good-coffee. Of course, I shall be more moral when my grant comes through!

On my walk home I had some time to reflect upon circles and my progress in the field, and realised the errant and obvious stupidity of my yesterday's work. Three and one tenth is simply to inglorious a sounding number to be pi! I immediately resolved to redefine it as three and three twentieths.

On returning home I had a whole decanter full of good-coffee, and set about some serious research. Although I was still not in possession of a compass, I felt that I simply needed to get properly started, so I drew about ten circles free hand and looked at them. I was struck by their similarity to ovals. "Ovals," I thought, "How noble..." The relationship, it seems to me, between the oval and circle, is one which deserves serious investigation. Which one came first? Is one the cause of the other? Which is bigger? Exhausted by speculation, and without but a single answer to mind, I collapsed in mental agony beside the dvd player.

I woke just now with a splitting headache, and changed for bed. So far it seems my research has only served to create more questions, each one more philosophical and profound than the last. Financially, things have moved from bad to worse. Now eighty-one pounds in debt, I fear it may not be long before I am forced to discontinue writing numbers with letters, lest my account books become unmanageable. I resolve to phone the Department for Science and Pensions tomorrow to enquire of my applications progress.